i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
