Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
