If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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