We're facebook friends in real life
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Just puked most of my soul out..
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
