I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
