i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
