And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
