Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
