Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.