Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
