They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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