I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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