When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I could fuck to npr.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
