Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
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It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
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