did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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