Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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