If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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