Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
be right there i have to get my cape
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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