I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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