trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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