Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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