i already hear my dad disowning me
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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