You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
