just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
