you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
