i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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