My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
