i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
