Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Also, beer. Big fan.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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