Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
