I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
