i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
