I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
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