Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
