i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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