Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I have peed in a lot of sinks
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
