My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
