Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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