if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
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i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
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I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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