just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I am mentally ready for anal.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
