I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
