is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
