Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
