maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
