So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I need to align my fucking chakras
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
