i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
