she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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