Kareoke will never be a sober sport
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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