Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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