literally had 100 drinks last night.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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