I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
