Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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